Snow Coming???

No new photos today – but – if – the promised snow arrives tomorrow – there will be photos. Heck, I might even go out in the snow. Or I might not. Or it might not snow at all.

Not as “lonely” this evening. Getting into a routine I guess. I walked down to Clarendon this afternoon. Checked out Apple Store, Whole Foods and Trader Joe. It was chilly but not cold. Misty, but not really wet.

Re-entry: I didn’t do much. I looked at all the mail that had piled up. Well, I looked at the envelopes. I only opened the junk mail. I didn’t feel up to opening anything that said “Tax Document” or “Carlton Combs (Deceased)”. Maybe tomorrow. Or not.

While on the way to Kona – I did entered some thoughts about my mental state in the computer and put them in the blog on November 1

I did the same thing on the Seattle to Kona leg of the trip back to Arlington.

Here are my notes:

Well, here it is about 9AM. I am flying from Seattle back to Arlington. It is 12PM there and exactly 5 months ago today – I came home from work around 1PM and found Carlton, very dead. 

Funny, I flew to Kona exactly 4 weeks after Carlton died and will be coming back 5 months after that day. When I was flying out to Kona, I reflected on Carlton’s death, my reactions, and our life together.

Some reflections on “what now”.

• I am doing great – I might not be doing great after I get back to the apartment and face whatever has to be done. But, at 30,000 feet – I am doing great.
• Years ago, a geriatric social worker told me that your 70’s is a very hard decade. You go into your 70’s as an older version of yourself but you come out of your 70’s as a really old person. I believe this. Carlton didn’t get out of his 70’s. 
• I know it have to move to some sort of an old ladies asylum when the apartment lease runs out. I don’t want to do this, but nothing else makes sense. Too many things can go wrong when you are in your 70’s. Physically and mentally, I am never going to be any better than I am right now. Emotionally, I might improve. But, I will not be getting stronger, faster, healthier or smarter. So, while I still have it together – I have to move myself to an old ladies asylum. But, where?
• But where – is something I need to think long and hard about and maybe make some site visits. 
• Real soon, I will have to address the income tax issue. 
• Also soon, need to get my own estate issues sorted out and a new improved will drawn. If I die before getting this done the Arlington County Library and Hulihe’e Palace will be very happy. I don’t think they need to be THAT happy.
• And, I am going to do a major downsizing. Carlton and I did that when we sold the house. But, we added new stuff in over the last 10 years. Major downsizing.
• The objective is to move into the smallest unit in the old ladies asylum. When Carlton and I were going to be moving in together, we were looking for a place as big as the apartment. But, I neither need nor want 2 bedroom and 2 bathrooms. I don’t especially want any bedroom. A nice sunny studio would be great. If I have “space” I’ll just fill it up. I have seen me do that in the past.
• I have always had minimalist leanings – but they sort of developed this winter. I was very happy in my hotel room. I would have liked a nice lounge chair. I don’t really need much of a kitchen. I never entertained and I am not about to start now. 
• This major downsizing will be interesting.
• I think I have figured out “how to eat”. Finally realized that when you live alone – you can eat whatever you want to eat whenever you want to eat it. I give myself too much credit – several people had to tell me that.
• Also, I think I have broken my addiction to the likes of “lean cuisine” and frozen mac&cheese. We’ll see how this works out – after I get back to Arlington. And don’t have access to endless free avocado and papaya and great ahi that was still swimming in the ocean yesterday. I am guessing that chicken can replace ahi – except chicken will have to be cooked,  tomatoes can replace avocado and strawberries followed by peaches can replace papaya. 
• This whole figuring out what to eat was hard. Carlton and I never ever ate out. So, for 30 plus years I cooked two meals a day and had cereal, toast, fruit whatever available for breakfast. Oh yes and snacks. Carlton loved his snacks. “Do we have anything sweet?” And, he didn’t mean a peach or some yogurt – was a regular Carlton question.  And Carlton liked his meals sort of “normal”. Couldn’t pass off a bowl of cereal as “dinner” on that man. 
• I have to figure out how to run Carlton’s vacuum sweeper. Soon. Maybe that is one of my first chores back at the apartment. 
• Considered the possibility of a new “relationship”. I am not saying “No way No how”. I am saying “Damn unlikely”. Why? I don’t want to go through the last 27 months again with another man. And also important – a slight variation on the Alaska saying “The odds are NOT good and the goods are odd”.
• For all that has been – thanks. For all that shall be – yes. (Dag Hammarskjöld)